(This post does not relate to any political change imposes by the new Philippine President)
Change often considered as the only constant thing in the world. People who welcomes change in their lives with arms wide open are the people that I admire the most.
But let me tell you this. I am the complete opposite of those people I admired. Yes, I refuse to say yes to change at any given situation. That coward inside of me pulls my hand back when I found myself in the brink of change. And as expected, I’ll always be glad to take that and follow whatever my fear dictates.
However, the circumstances that I am currently facing requires my full commitment to change. That I should be more than willing to be uprooted from my daily routines. That I should decide to break free from my comfort zone.
Okay, here’s the situation.
My former employer (an INGO) invited me to lead a certain project in another city (but within Mindanao) for a month. The project requires skills in MEAL or Monitoring, Evaluation, Accountability, Learning which somehow the kind of work I had back then when I was deployed in Bantayan Island in Cebu.
Being unemployed in a year leads me to hesitation that I start doubting myself. “Can I do it this time? Will the project be successful? Are these stock knowledge about MEAL enough to carry on with the project?” These and so many questions that clouded my thought have crippled my capacity to counter my fears.
I trip down to memory lane. I recall the first time I encountered a logframe which at that time was odd and unfamiliar. But as time goes by, I slowly understand the project cycle until I get the whole picture of what a community development job is all about.
I laughed at myself when I think about those days when I took the exam and appeared before the Head of Mission for the interview and how I selected for the job that I have no knowledge about.
I was a confident idiot at the time, right? But how come I was never afraid to explore that unfamiliar horizon. How come I’ve become so afraid to take the job, now that I know I am fully equip to take on the challenges of being a community development worker?
I went through every aspect of my fear and here’s what I found: I am chained in my seat at the middle of my comfort zone. And comfort zone meant being with my husband everyday, writing 5 articles a day, spending more time with my son and family but not under the provision of leave credits, addicted to idle time, checking my social media accounts from time to time… *sigh*
The activities that comprise my daily routine are the things that I considered difficult to give up and replace with an 8am to 5pm job (which I started to hate) coupled with field works under the extreme heat of the sun. However, I know that I’m the problem here so I check myself and ask the following questions:
- Am I willing to do the job despite the adjustment that I had to face?
- Am I willing to sacrifice the every day hugs and kisses that I get from my husband?
- Am I willing to explain to my son that his long-planned summer vacation to Davao will be cancelled?
- Am I sane enough not to give up at the middle of the project?
Well, the truth is, it’s hard to say NO when my heart says YES to all the questions above. But of course, that YES would mean melancholic days without my husband at my side, constant remorse from the cancellation of my son’s summer vacation, demotion to a part-time writer or worst resignation from my virtual employer, etc.
In a nutshell, I’m willing to face the change that’s coming. I know it in my heart that no matter how much I am afraid now, the courage I used to have five years ago when I decided to work in Cebu all by myself is still inside of me, stash within the core of me.
The change that’s about to come is the very thing that I need in my life not just because it is a source of income but also to fulfill the pleadings of my soul to indulge into another adventure. An adventure that will add some knowledge, skills and most of all wisdom to be able to carry on in this life no matter what.
Let me tell you this. This time, I am YES for change and there’s no turning back.